Villains I Would/Would Not Bone or, 21 Reasons I'm Glad My Mom Stays Off The Internet

by Maureen

Hypothetical sex! It's America's pastime, despite what some khaki-pantsed terror of a P.E. instructor yelled at you. Personally, I am an expert (pun-AVOIDED, idiots) at this game, as I have been playing an increasingly weird version of "Would You Rather" called "Who Would You Rather Repopulate The Planet With?" for about a decade now. The rules are simple: pick two horrible candidates and force someone to answer! It's a blast! This one's for the fellas: Octomom or Janice, the guitar player from the Muppet rock band Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem. DO NOT read on until you have an answer you're comfortable with.

Anyway, I am honored to guest write for Joe Talks Movies, as one of the friends, and I am ready to expand my horizons into villain territory. It's easy to have imaginary sex with movie heroes; they're rugged and dreamy and usually morally upstanding! But the villains are trickier. You have to make a lot of compromises with yourself to justify letting them in your hypothetical pants. So thanks to Joe for presenting me with this unique challenge, not to mention compiling what is sure to be a very upsetting list. Here we go.

1. Bane (Tom Hardy, The Dark Knight Rises)
   
   
   

I want to say no, because I was not cool with the way he broke Batman's back, and his muscles made me uncomfortable, but my terror-crush is winning out. Yeah, me and Bane could get real freaky.

2. Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway, The Dark Knight Rises)

Jesus, starting with the sexy ladies already? I mean, I want to say no, on principle, but there is no way in hell that if she was trying to make something happen I could shut her down. So yes, in this fantasy in which Catwoman is actively pursuing me, I would go for it. And so would you. Obviously.

3. Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men)
   
   
   

Nope. Bad hair.

4. Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood)
   
   
   

No again. Too obsessed with Paul Dano. Plus he would whisper some truly messed up things in your ear.

5. Magneto

1. (Michael Fassbender, X-Men: First Class)
   
   
   

Now, I am treating the double Magneto quandary with time travel rules, wherein I may choose one or the other, or both, without having to actually live through the, what, fifty year gap? So I would definitely get with early Magneto. Not a great guy, sure, but he is still super handsome and that makes up for it! I'm allowed to be shallow, it's hypothetical villain sex. Deal with it! Shape up or ship out!

2. (Ian McKellan, X-Men/X2/Last Stand)
   
   
   

Now, why would I even consider this? I've already agreed to bang the Magneto of the past. What am I going to do, time travel forward to test drive old Magneto? It's not like this is a relationship that is going to last. I don't need to pretend I'm excited to grow old with Magneto. Skip!

6. The Joker
   
   
   1. (Jack Nicholson, Batman)
      
      
      

I don't like the look of that plasticky smile. It might be uncomfortable to smooch. Next!

2. (Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight)
   
   
   

Now, as Heath Ledger is dead, I feel it would be disrespectful to his memory to turn this Joker down. Plus, I dig that candy striper uniform. But do I want to take it to the next level with him? Not especially. He would probably smell like old sweat and pudding skin, and that's a deal breaker for me.

7. Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates, Misery)
   
   
   

Woof. Since this list is the people I would voluntarily get with, I'm saying no. But if Annie Wilkes wants to get up in your business, she's probably going to. And I really never want to be hobbled...so yes, looks like that is happening.

8. Loki (Tom Hiddleston, The Avengers)
   
   
   

Since before I looked up his name on imdb.com I was prepared to call him “that whiny Jared Leto-looking pantywaist,” I'm sticking with my gut reaction: no.

9. Bill (David Carradine, Kill Bill)
   
   
   

Pros: I'd get a cool nickname, possibly a sword. Cons: unplanned pregnancy, animosity among Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, he might get all choke-y...no, nothing good can come of banging Bill.

10. Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds)
    
    
    

I am not conflicted about this in the slightest: big, emphatic yes. All kinds of yes, followed by days of pathetic phone calls.

11. Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale, American Psycho)
    
    
    

I think a good rule of thumb when deciding upon imaginary sexual partners is this: if there's a particularly good chance that, post-coitus, your gentleman companion will drop a chainsaw on you, just say no. So by that rule, no to Patrick Bateman. Plus he's too preppy.

12. Stavros (Mickey Rourke, Double Team)
    
    
    

Now, I've seen enough of Double Team (the last twenty minutes) to have picked up on every one of its subtle nuances. Mickey Rourke has a tiger, so he's got that going for him, but he's also MICKEY FUCKING ROURKE. And if you want to argue that I can't make my choices based on the actor, fine. Stavros is a guy who looks exactly like MICKEY FUCKING ROURKE, and that is enough for me to say no, no, a thousand times no.

13. Mr. Baek (Min-Sik Choi, Lady Vengeance)
    
    
    

Oof, this one is pretty rough. This guy is a child rapist and murderer, so I will politely decline without jokes, so I don't go directly to hell.

14. Jabba the Hut (Larry Ward, Return of the Jedi)
    
    
    

Sexy outfit, intergalactic mob boss perks, I could boss around that uppity Leia...totally! I would absolutely give it up to that grubby bastard.

15. John Doe (Kevin Spacey, Se7en)
    
    
    

Ha ha, nope! There is no way you could spend ten minutes with this guy and not know he is a crazy murdering fiend, and I'm willing to bet his apartment would be disgusting. There's also the possibility that he would find one of the seven deadly sins too prominent in me and that would be it for me!

16. Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt, Fight Club)
    
    
    

YUP. Just...yes, of course, any day of the week.

17. Alex (Malcolm McDowell, A Clockwork Orange)
    
    
    

Also yes. He may be a violence-obsessed maniac, but damn if it he isn't a charming little fuck. And we could relax after to some Ludwig Van. I feel sort of gross right now.

18. Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving, The Matrix)
    
    
    

Ugh, this guy was such a weaselly little turd. Pass.

19. Nihilists (Peter Stormare/Flea/Torsten Voges, The Big Lebowski)
    
    
    

Ha ha, is this like all of them at once? In an angsty, pancakes-smelling heap? God help

me, ok. At least afterward they'd all just mope away in a pasty herd and leave me alone.

20. George Harvey (Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones)
    
    
    

God damn it, Joe, this guy? Isn't two child rapists a little much for one list? Nooooo.

21. Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes, Harry Potter 1-7.2)
    
    
    

Gosh, who's name am I supposed to yell out, right ladies, hahahahaha? Just kidding, this guy's gross. No.

Thanks for letting me do this, Joe. Thanks for letting me talk some movies. Wow, what a sexy, disgusting journey we've shared! If anyone needs me, I'll be in the shower for the rest of my life.