Adapt These Books (but not these ones)

I talked a few posts back about my favorite book-to-film adaptations. I threw my two cents regarding what I think needs to be done to make a good flick based on an existing source. Today I've picked three books that need to become movies, and three movies that never ever, ever need to be made into movies. Come on, Hollywood! Pick your battles. I'm looking at you Stupid-Lemon-Face-Franco.

Adapt This, Please:

-Beautiful Ruins by Jess Walter

There is such a wide array of characters in this book that are all fully developed. Imagine a less depressing P.T. Anderson movie. This is a novel that jumps between Italy in the sixties and present day in Hollywood. So, basically you've got the beautiful scenery coupled with the deplorable people. 

Sounds like a perfect combo! The movie probably would have to cut out a subplot or two, but that wouldn't hurt the overall plot of the movie. Let's just get P.T. Anderson to rally his crew and make it. It'll be a nice light-hearted change for him. I'm sure there's room in there for Philip Seymour Hoffman.

-Beat the Reaper by Josh Bazell

A hit man turned doctor? Done. Why hasn't this movie already come out. Track down Guy Ritchie and tell him to stop making Sherlock Holmes movies. Let's get him to come back to quick cuts of overt violence. 

The main character is your typical action star, so dumping Clive Owen or Jason Statham wouldn't be hard. And the humor is sharp in the novel and wouldn't be hard to transfer to film. They wouldn't have to cut anything out of the story, it unfolds just like a movie should. Hollywood, get on it. Stop making Transformer movies and get your ass in gear with Beat the Reaper.

-City of Thieves by David Benioff

Again, just start shooting this movie. You don't even need a script. Just continuously look back to the novel to find the next shot. This book is hilarious, but set in a very serious setting. Two Russian soldiers get caught deserting during World War II in Leningrad. A Colonel tells him that normally they would have been shot on the scene, but his daughter is getting married and they need a wedding cake. So he sends the two soldiers out to find a dozen eggs, promising that if they complete the task they will be set free. 

The plot is pretty ridiculous, but you wouldn't think too far into while you're reading it. Benioff was able to create the world in such a way that nothing seemed impossible. The humor coupled with the human emotion would be a perfect film. I'm looking at the Coen brothers for this one. Please, guys, just do it.

Stay the Fuck Away from These, Please:

-The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

It's not so much that this novel is unfilmable, as you would fail at putting a sympathetic character on screen. Holden Caulfield is such a whiny little shit that if you actually had to watch and listen to someone portraying him it would be too much. You need that inner monologue to make the story itself work, and so help me God, if you rely that much on a voice-over you're dead to me. I'm sure someone would be able to achieve the goal in making a successful adaptation, but the chances of someone fucking it up is so much higher. And then there is the idea that you need to read this book by a certain age. 

I've talked to a lot of people about the theory that if you read Catcher in the Rye too late in life you won't make that connection to the anti-hero that affects so many readers. Thus, the demographic for a flick is almost non-existent. It's a good thing that J.D. was so protective of his writing to begin with. So I say again: stay the fuck away from Salinger.

-As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner

This one is kind of a sore subject. This is one of my top three favorite books of all time and the fact that James “Stupid-I-Hate-You-So-Much” Franco is developing it kills me. I'm currently dying and will continue to do so until someone stops Lemon-Face from ruining this book. 

We're looking at multiple first person accounts of the Bundren family travels to bury their wife and mother. With the various firsts we see different perceptions of different characters and that's all part of the theme of the novel. We don't really know anyone. Snapshots of different aspects of someone's character can build an image, but doesn't really tell you anything concrete about someone. So how would you put that down on film, Franco? Huh? Dumb-shit. Just drop it.

-Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami

You'd have to take your pick between the two plots. Are you going to weight heavier on the strange fantasy world, or rather the sci-fi-inspired present day detective storyline? I could take a guess. Neither story comes off as complete without the counterpart, but when transferring it to film I could imagine the filmmakers try to pump up the action in the flick, thus losing a large part of the themes in this book. So how about you just don't.